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The King's HighwayOnce upon a time, a king had a great highway built for the people who lived in his kingdom. After it was completed, but before it was opened to the public, the king decided to have a contest. He invited as many of his subjects as desired to participate. The challenge was to see who could travel the highway the best, and the winner was to receive a box of gold. On the day of the contest, all the people came. Some of them had fine chariots; some had fine clothing and fancy food to make the trip a luxurious journey. Some wore their sturdiest shoes and ran along the highway on their feet to show their skill. All day they traveled the highway, and each one, when he arrived at the end, complained to the king about a large pile of rocks and debris that had been left almost blocking the road at one point, and that got in their way and hindered their travel. At the end of the day, a lone traveler crossed the finish line warily and walked over to the king. He was tired and dirty, but he addressed the king with great respect and handed him a small chest of gold. He said, "I stopped along the way to clear a pile of rocks and debris that was blocking the road. This chest of gold was under it all. Please have it returned to its rightful owner." The king replied, "You are the rightful owner." "Oh no," said the traveler, "This is not mine. I've never known such money." "Oh yes," said the king, "you've earned this gold, for you won my contest. He who travels the road best is he who makes the road better for those who will follow." Contributed by Hugo Schmidt Author unknown |
Religious Anecdotes Page
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received A steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep on windy nights," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, Hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. ... Read More: 
Catholic Priest: "We're all Adventists" 
Modern Pentecost 
| Quote: |
| A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river. Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River." |
Submitted by Charles Rasi
A Question About Origins
Johnny was confused, so he decided to ask his mom:
-"Dad says that our ancestors come from apes. What do you think?"
-"If your dad says that his ancestor were apes," his mother answered, "he is probably right. He knows better about his ancestry than I do. My ancestry goes back all the way to Adam and Eve."
Lee Iacocca: Fame & Fortune is for the Birds!
| Quote: |
| One of the most famous, and successful, businessmen in American history was Lee Iacocca, who ran the giant Chrysler Corporation for many years. Towards the end of his life, he once said, "Here I am in the twilight years of my life, still wondering what's it all about. . . . I can tell you this, fame and fortune is for the birds." |
Full story: http://www.absg.adventist.org/2007/1Q/TE/ETQ_107_03.pdf
The Psalmist's Shepherd
I am currently reading a book written by a friend of mine called Enrique Chaij, whom I had not seen since graduation from college over a century go, but had a pleasure of meeting a few months ago at his aunt's home in Loma Linda, California. He is one of the most successful SDA radio and television evangelists in the country of argentina, and the founder and speaker, untill his recent retirement, of the highly popular five minutes program entitled "Una Luz en el Camino" [A Light in the Pathway] . Here are some of the anecdotes I gleaned from his book: No Nos Falta Nada!" [We Lack Nothing!].
*********
Once upon a time there was an important meeting at the end of which a celebrated actor was invited to recite a poem of his choice. He decided to recite the 23th Psalm. He did it so well that when he was over the audience demonstrated their appreciation with a hearty applause. There was a retired minister at the meeting who had recently lost his wife and his daughter. He was also asked to participate in the program, and he decided to recite the same Psalm. There was profound silence while he recited the same biblical passage, but it was done with such heartfelt emotion, that when he ended there were many among those present with tears in their eyes. No applause marked the end of his recitation, but the actor got up and made the following comment:
-"It is evident that while I do know the Shepherd's Psalm, this man of God knows the Psalm's shepherd."
*********
A man in charge of transporting sheep was telling his fellow workers how stupic sheep are. He placed a wooden stick in a narrow passage in front of one of the sheep, and the animal jumped over it. The sheep that were behind imitated the jump over the stick even after the man had removed the woodern obstacle in their path. No wonder the Bible describes human beings as sheep.
*********
There was a Scottish man who would take his little daughter along with him while he took care of his sheep. He had a special whistle which he used to call for his sheep. When his daughter grew up, she left for the city, and her letters to her dad became less and less frequent, until one day they ceased to arrive. One day the man decided to go to the city in search of his daughter. On his arrival, he discovered that she was no longer living at the address listed on her letters. He inquired from the neighbors, but nobody was able to tell him where she moved. In his desperation, he started walking through the streets and sounding his whistle, hoping that upon hearing it, his daughter would recognize it. When he had reached one of the less impressive parts of town, he saw his daughter dash out of one of the homes of ill repute, and they joined in a tearful embrace.
*********
Many centuries ago there was a king whose son moved out, and his rich father would give him a yearly stipend for his upkeep. The son would visit his dad frequently at the beginning, but with the passage of time, his visits became less frequent. Finally, the boy would come to see his dad only on the day assigned by his father for picking up his yearly financial allotment. Then the king decided to grant his son smaller financial grants on a more frequent basis, which allowed him to see him more frequently.
This is why Jesus told us to pray: "Give us our daily bread." [Perhaps this is the reason the Lord gave the Israelites a daily ration of manna from heaven in the desert, which food would get spoiled if kept overnight.]
*********
A little girl was traveling by train with her mother when she sudenly felt a sharp pain in her eye. Some foreign tiny object had gotten inside her eye thus making her extremely uncomfortable. A gentleman sitting nearby offered to help, but the girl's mother refused the offer feeling a lack of trust towards the stranger. The next morning she decided to take her daughter to an eye doctor. To her surprise, she discovered that the physician was the stranger who had offered his help the day before, which she had refused as a precautionary measure.
*********
A little boy with an angelic face sat in front of Leonardo De Vinci as he painted the picture of Jesus as a boy. Many years later, when the celebrated artist was painting the "Last Supper," he needed somebody to sit in his studio for the painting of the face of Judas. A man was picked for the job whose face revealed the effects of evil and immorality. To De Vinci's surprise, he discovered that this man was the same person that several decades earlier had sat as a model as he painted the face of Jesus.
*********
A long time ago, when slavery was still practiced in the United States, there was a little black boy who was being auctioned among many others at a slave market. A gentleman approached the boy and asked him:
-"If I buy you, will you you render an honest service for me?"
_"I intend to live an honest life regardless of who buys me, whether it be you or anybody else!"
*********
There is a story affirming that Napoleon Bonaparte in as show of defiance against God, ordered the minting of a coin that read: "Heavens is yours, but the earth is mine!"
*********
King Louis XIV of France had developed an irrational fear of death. One day one of his servants looked through the window and pointed towards the Saint Dionisius Church and reminded the king that in said sacred building were buried all his ancestors. The king ordered a tall building erected between his palace and the church to make sure he would not be reminded about his own mortality.
*********
Our beliefs have an undeniable power over our body. On one occasion a prisoner was subjected to mental torture. He was blindfolded and informed that they were going to perform an experiment on him. They were going to cut the main artery in his arm, and let his blood drain until he was dead. The physician performed a fake incision in his arm, and arranged for some water to slowly drip into a container which was placed under his arm. Meanwhile, the attending physician and the nurse kept making serious remarks about how the prisoner's blood pressure was dropping to a dangerous level. Suddenly, the man had a heart attack and died. He was led to believe that he was going to die, and he did die, in spite of the fact that he had lost not even a drop of his blood.
*********
The caretakers found a note inside the pocket of a homeless man who had died on the street. It was a list of his life priorities in descending order: 1) Sex 2) Money 3) Family 4) Social position 5) Car and apartment 6) Friends 7) Culture 8) Vacation and entertainment 9) Comfort 10) God.
*********
In the southern region of Russia there was a farmer who owned a beautiful dog. Someone offered a tempting sum of money for his dog, but the farmer responded:
-"If you like him, you can have him as a gift, since this dog never barks."
-"He doesn't bark? How come?" asked the prospective buyer.
-"It's very simple. This dog used to be owned by an old lady who had a phobia against barking dogs, so she would hit him on the head with her walking stick everytime he barked, until one day the poor animal stopped barking."
We can silence our conscience using the same method.
*********
At an auction, the man in charge of the sale was offering and old violin, but nobody wanted to bid on it. Suddendly, a musician offered to make a demontration of what said intrument could do. He played on that violin with such artistry, that the instrument was sold for an incredibly high price. Of course, the musician was the celebrated Nicolas Paganini.
*********
Evangeline Booth was leading a series of religious meetings at a London prison, when the meeting was interrupted by the unruly conduct of a woman whom the guards were trying to pacify without success. Suddently, Evangeline, not knowing what to do, decided to embrace the altered woman and give her a kiss. This strange act by Evangeline quieted the altered female and she began to ask: "Who kissed me?"
The next day Evangeline decided to visit this female prisoner and learned from her that nobody had ever kissed her since her mother gave her a kiss for the last time when she was a little girl. This kiss changed the life of this troubled prisoner around, and she eventually became a faithful Christian.
*********
A farmer decided to write the following biblical statement on the weathercock mounted on the roof of his home: "God is love." A surprised neighbor asked him whether he believed that God's love was as changeable as the wind, to which he answered:
-"Not really! What I believe is that no matter which direction the wind is blowing, God's love remains as steadfast as ever.
*********
A nurse performing volunteer services at a leprosarium was tending to the wounds of a patient. A visitor made the following comment:
-"I wouldn't do this for a million dollars!"
-"I wouldn't do this for any amount of money either," responded the volunteer nurse.
-"Then why do you do this?" asked the visitor.
-"I am a volunteer nurse, sir," answered the nurse. "I do this out of love."
*********
While James Irwin, one of the Apollo 15 astronauts, was walking on the surface of the moon thinking of the significance of what he was experiencing, the Lord conveyed to him this message:
_"I did something much more significant than walking on the moon: I walked on the earth."
*********
At the top of one of the doors of the Catheral of Milan there is a sign which reads: "Every pleasant experience is transitory." At the other extreme of the same building there is another sign posted over the door: "All the unpleasant things in life are transitory." Over the main door in the center of the cathedral there is a third sign which reads: "Only the eternal is permanent."
Church Etiquette
Did you hear about the guy from Arkansas that went up north on vacation? Being a regular churchgoer, Sunday morning found him visiting in a nice big church in Maine. His first impression was of how quiet and subdued the service was.
At one point during the sermon, the preacher said something the Arkansan really agreed with. "Amen!" agreed the visitor loudly.
As the entire church turned to stare, the usher ran up to the Arkansan. "Shhhhhh....." he said sternly. "You can't speak out like that here."
"But I've got religion," the visitor explained.
"Fine!" said the usher. "But you didn't get it here."
On the Sea of Galilee
| Quote: |
| A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20." "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked." "Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked!" |
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
The Jewish Rabbi & the Crucifix
| Quote: |
| A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?" "Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough." |
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Pavement Stones for the New Jerusalem
| Quote: |
| There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement stones for the New Jerusalem?!?!..." |
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Shouting Your Prayers for Grandma's Sake
Quote:
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs: "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
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When the Devil Paid for the Groceries
There was a little old lady who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door and soon became irritated at the little old lady's strange behavior. This is why every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Caught in the Act
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38!" [A text from the Bible which reads: Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.]
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.
Scripture? replied the bewildered burglar, She said she had an ax and two 38's.
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Thanksgiving & the Church
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:
"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Who is to Blame?
-"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at Murphy, the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
-"I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief, "Everybody keeps blaming me!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
A Reader's Comment
"I have absolutly no idea... You should really take it up with a professional."
Anonymous reader
Editorial Response
"A professional will probably blame the disfunctional family the individual was raised in!"
Nic Samojluk
Stalin Visits Both Heaven & Hell
Tom White, the Director of The Voice of the Martyrs magazine relates in his Nov. 2005 editorial that when he was a prisoner in Cuba, many years ago, he met many prisoners who were in jail for telling political jokes. One of them goes as follows:
Stalin died and went to heaven, but got bored, and asked the Lord permission to visit hell. His request was granted, and having found the place very atractive and interesting, filed a formal request to move his residence there. No sooner he had arrived at the place, he was confined to a fiery torture room under the care of demons. He protested, and the Devil himself offered the following explanation:
When you first came here, you were a visitor on a tourist visa. Now you are here a permanent resident!
God Drove Adam & Eve Out of the Garden
Quote:
A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well!" he exclaimed, "Doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
The Baseball Game Challenge
One day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes," snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Don't Mess With Mom!
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as "C.S.D."
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. only requires
A roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
And why are you on your knees?
Did I hear asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"
Submitted by WyJoz U2
The Lost Chapter of Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Catholic Horses
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Would Have Made the Same Choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"
By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases toward home.
Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
I Like Being Old!
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.
Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body--but I don't agonize over it for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60ies, and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten - and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer the question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. For the first time in my life, I don't have to have a reason to do the things I want to do. If I want to play games on the computer all day, lay on the couch and watch old movies for hours or don't want to go to the beach or a movie, I have earned that right. I have put in my time doing everything for others, so now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty.
I sometimes feel sorry for the young. They face a far different world than I knew growing up, where we feared the law, respected the old, the flag, our country. I never felt the need to use filthy language in order to express myself. And they too will grow old someday. I am grateful to have been born when I was, into a kinder, gentler world. Yes, I like being old!
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
A Church Bake Sale
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say . "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Submitted by WyJoz U2
Road Rage
Quote:
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.
The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
Then I noticed the: "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
So, naturally . . . . . . . I assumed you had stolen the car."
Source unknown
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In the Beginning
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yea," and woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 18.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then
said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em."
And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass Surgery.
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that's your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it. And besides, it's in the Bible that the man should take care of the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetches the Bible and opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages that it does, indeed, say: "Hebrews."
Husband: "I don't get it!"
Wife: "It says 'He-brews'=He brews the coffee!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Noah's Headache
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in Sacramento, California.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. The City Council tried to revoke the variance when the neighbor told them I listen to Armstrong and Getty on AM Talk Radio while working the shop.
The mayor called me a conservative middle aged white boy out to make a buck without paying under the table. I was saved only by converting part of the Ark to Section 8 low income rental accommodations. But they don't come two by two... more like 12 by 12.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
--"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
--"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
Author unknown!
Sunday School Anecdotes
THE GOOD SMARITAN
The Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
POOR LION
A Sunday school teacher was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. One little girl started to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel." The girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get any food."
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
SUNDAY SCHOOL
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
How to Deal With Life's Struggles!
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turnedoff the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrot, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity .. boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
This item was submitted by Hugo Schmidt
This reminds me of the old saying:
Quote:
The same sun that hardens the clay softens the wax.
Nic Samojluk
Reflections of an Old Man
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
This remind me of the story I read half a century ago about a 110-year-old man in the soviet Union. A government employee discovered that this Soviet citizen was not on the government retirement pay. He decided to contact the man an offered him what he was entitled to due to his age.
The old man responded that he had no need of government assistance, since he was living with his son.
-"Oh, I see," said the government employee, "and how old is your son?"
-"He is only 90!" responded the man.
Nic Samojluk
Which Worship Service?
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,Alex."
-"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
-"Pastor McGhee," what is this? Alex asked.
-"Well, Son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked,
-"Which service...the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Author unknown
Received from Salo Roth
Robbers Agree to Accept a Check
Rev. Tony R. Caldwell told police that when two robbers demanded cash from him, he offered to write a check each for $150 dollars, which the criminals accepted. Of course, the checks were payable to them, which means the police should have no problem finding them.
To access the "Pastor Short of Cash, But Robbers Agree to Take a Check" story, click on the link listed below:
http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/local/10159042.htm
Unlucky Riches
Winning the lottery is the American dream for many people, but for many of those who did win big it turned out to be a real nightmare. Evelyn Adams won $5.4 million, and everybody wanted her money, but she didn't know how to say "No." Now she lives in a trailer. William Post won $16.2 million, and a former girlfriend successfully sued him for a share of the winning. A brother tried to murder him in order to inherit his fortune. Within a year, he was $1 million in debt. Ken Proxmire was a machinist when he won $1 million, but within five years he had filed for bankruptcy. If this is the American dream, I want no part in it!
To access the "Unlucky Riches" story, click on the link listed below:
http://www.bankrate.com/baw/news/advice/20041108a1.asp?print=on
What Kids Learn in Church
Several of these were new to me and several have been around for quite awhile. I still thought they were worth sharing. Marilyn
KIDS IN CHURCH
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I received this item by E-mail from Hugo Schmidt
Remember Those Who Serve!
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
”Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
The Rain Drenched my Spirits!
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
The Story of the One Dollar Bill
A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.
The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. "Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."
"Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."
"So where have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?"
"Well, I've been to ..
the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church,
the Episcopal Church,
the Presbyterian Church,
the Church of God,
the Lutheran Church,
the Catholic Church,
the Orthodox Church,
the Assembly of God Church,
the Brethren In Christ Church,
the Quaker Church,
the Pentecostal Church,
the Charismatic Church,
the Mennonite Church,
the United Church of Christ,
the Church of Christ..."
"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?
Author unknown
I Can Sleep on Windy Nights
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic because they dreaded the awful storms that raged across the ocean, wreaking havoc on buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep on windy nights," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired the man. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they are blown away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep on windy nights."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, the doors were barred, and the shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed and mused to himself, “From now on, I can also sleep on windy nights!”
Author unknown
Contributed by Hugo Schmidt
A Response to Church Gossip
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.......... and left it there all night (Contributed by Hugo Schmidt. Author unknown.)
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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs: "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
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When the Devil Paid for the Groceries
There was a little old lady who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door and soon became irritated at the little old lady's strange behavior. This is why every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Caught in the Act
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38!" [A text from the Bible which reads: Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.]
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.
Scripture? replied the bewildered burglar, She said she had an ax and two 38's.
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Thanksgiving & the Church
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:
"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Who is to Blame?
-"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at Murphy, the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
-"I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief, "Everybody keeps blaming me!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
A Reader's Comment
"I have absolutly no idea... You should really take it up with a professional."
Anonymous reader
Editorial Response
"A professional will probably blame the disfunctional family the individual was raised in!"
Nic Samojluk
Stalin Visits Both Heaven & Hell
Tom White, the Director of The Voice of the Martyrs magazine relates in his Nov. 2005 editorial that when he was a prisoner in Cuba, many years ago, he met many prisoners who were in jail for telling political jokes. One of them goes as follows:
Stalin died and went to heaven, but got bored, and asked the Lord permission to visit hell. His request was granted, and having found the place very atractive and interesting, filed a formal request to move his residence there. No sooner he had arrived at the place, he was confined to a fiery torture room under the care of demons. He protested, and the Devil himself offered the following explanation:
When you first came here, you were a visitor on a tourist visa. Now you are here a permanent resident!
God Drove Adam & Eve Out of the Garden
| Quote: |
| A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well!" he exclaimed, "Doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?" |
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
The Baseball Game Challenge
One day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes," snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Don't Mess With Mom!
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as "C.S.D."
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. only requires
A roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
And why are you on your knees?
Did I hear asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"
Submitted by WyJoz U2
The Lost Chapter of Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Catholic Horses
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Would Have Made the Same Choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"
By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases toward home.
Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
I Like Being Old!
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.
Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.
Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body--but I don't agonize over it for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.
As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60ies, and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten - and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer the question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. For the first time in my life, I don't have to have a reason to do the things I want to do. If I want to play games on the computer all day, lay on the couch and watch old movies for hours or don't want to go to the beach or a movie, I have earned that right. I have put in my time doing everything for others, so now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty.
I sometimes feel sorry for the young. They face a far different world than I knew growing up, where we feared the law, respected the old, the flag, our country. I never felt the need to use filthy language in order to express myself. And they too will grow old someday. I am grateful to have been born when I was, into a kinder, gentler world. Yes, I like being old!
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
A Church Bake Sale
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say . "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Submitted by WyJoz U2
Road Rage
| Quote: |
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Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. |
Source unknown
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In the Beginning
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yea," and woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 18.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then
said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em."
And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass Surgery.
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that's your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it. And besides, it's in the Bible that the man should take care of the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetches the Bible and opens the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages that it does, indeed, say: "Hebrews."
Husband: "I don't get it!"
Wife: "It says 'He-brews'=He brews the coffee!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
Noah's Headache
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in Sacramento, California.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. The City Council tried to revoke the variance when the neighbor told them I listen to Armstrong and Getty on AM Talk Radio while working the shop.
The mayor called me a conservative middle aged white boy out to make a buck without paying under the table. I was saved only by converting part of the Ark to Section 8 low income rental accommodations. But they don't come two by two... more like 12 by 12.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
--"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
--"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
Author unknown!
Sunday School Anecdotes
THE GOOD SMARITAN
The Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
POOR LION
A Sunday school teacher was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. One little girl started to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel." The girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get any food."
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
SUNDAY SCHOOL
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
How to Deal With Life's Struggles!
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turnedoff the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"
"Carrot, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity .. boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
This item was submitted by Hugo Schmidt
This reminds me of the old saying:
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Quote: |
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The same sun that hardens the clay softens the wax. Nic Samojluk |
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Submitted by Hugo Schmidt
This remind me of the story I read half a century ago about a 110-year-old man in the soviet Union. A government employee discovered that this Soviet citizen was not on the government retirement pay. He decided to contact the man an offered him what he was entitled to due to his age.
The old man responded that he had no need of government assistance, since he was living with his son.
-"Oh, I see," said the government employee, "and how old is your son?"
-"He is only 90!" responded the man.
Nic Samojluk
Which Worship Service?
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,Alex."
-"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
-"Pastor McGhee," what is this? Alex asked.
-"Well, Son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked,
-"Which service...the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Author unknown
Received from Salo Roth
Robbers Agree to Accept a Check
Rev. Tony R. Caldwell told police that when two robbers demanded cash from him, he offered to write a check each for $150 dollars, which the criminals accepted. Of course, the checks were payable to them, which means the police should have no problem finding them.
To access the "Pastor Short of Cash, But Robbers Agree to Take a Check" story, click on the link listed below:
http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/local/10159042.htm
Unlucky Riches
Winning the lottery is the American dream for many people, but for many of those who did win big it turned out to be a real nightmare. Evelyn Adams won $5.4 million, and everybody wanted her money, but she didn't know how to say "No." Now she lives in a trailer. William Post won $16.2 million, and a former girlfriend successfully sued him for a share of the winning. A brother tried to murder him in order to inherit his fortune. Within a year, he was $1 million in debt. Ken Proxmire was a machinist when he won $1 million, but within five years he had filed for bankruptcy. If this is the American dream, I want no part in it!
To access the "Unlucky Riches" story, click on the link listed below:
http://www.bankrate.com/baw/news/advice/20041108a1.asp?print=on
What Kids Learn in Church
Several of these were new to me and several have been around for quite awhile. I still thought they were worth sharing. Marilyn
KIDS IN CHURCH
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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I received this item by E-mail from Hugo Schmidt
Remember Those Who Serve!
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
”Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
The Rain Drenched my Spirits!
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
The Story of the One Dollar Bill
A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.
The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. "Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."
"Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."
"So where have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?"
"Well, I've been to ..
the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church,
the Episcopal Church,
the Presbyterian Church,
the Church of God,
the Lutheran Church,
the Catholic Church,
the Orthodox Church,
the Assembly of God Church,
the Brethren In Christ Church,
the Quaker Church,
the Pentecostal Church,
the Charismatic Church,
the Mennonite Church,
the United Church of Christ,
the Church of Christ..."
"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?
Author unknown
I Can Sleep on Windy Nights
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic because they dreaded the awful storms that raged across the ocean, wreaking havoc on buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals. Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep on windy nights," answered the little man.Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired the man. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work. Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they are blown away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep on windy nights."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, the doors were barred, and the shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed and mused to himself, “From now on, I can also sleep on windy nights!”
Author unknown
Contributed by Hugo Schmidt
A Response to Church Gossip
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house.......... and left it there all night (Contributed by Hugo Schmidt. Author unknown.)
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